Tuesday, September 30, 2008

thoughts on kidlessness

It's been nearly a month that I've been kidless six hours per day. It's taking some getting used to.

I had all these plans. I was going to walk everywhere. I have been walking more, but not to the grocery store and library as I'd planned. I still take my car.

I was going to start writing my book. I have been working on this, but not like I thought I would. Not hours per day or anything.

I was going to practice violin regularly. I've gotten it out a few times and played some easy things I don't sound hideous on. But I haven't even attempted scales.

I was going to read important, non-fiction books to make me smarter and wiser. So much for that.

I was going to update my wardrobe. It currently consists of two pairs of jeans, some yoga pants, and a few faded t-shirts. I'm in big trouble now that cold weather approaches. But the thought of going to the mall seems so unappealing. Was I not meant to look smart and chic?

I was going to organize my closets, cupboards, and drawers. OK, that is so not true. I told myself and other people that but it was a lie. I never really meant to do that, of course.

So what have I been doing? Good question.

I've been enjoying the quiet. I've loved being alone. I have always loved being alone. I like people, but in moderation. Sometimes I wander from room to room, reveling in the fact that no one's here. I could be a happy hermit.

I don't want to pass my days this way. I want to do something real. I want to embrace life. I want to finally do all the things I've been saving up for this season of my life.

I have a friend who says she never sleeps much, especially in the summer. She says this is because there is so much she wants to do. So many books to read, people to watch, things to learn... She doesn't want to waste any time sleeping when she could be out there living life. I think that is so admirable! I want to be that way.

But what did I do this morning after my walk? I fell asleep.


Ballerina Girl said...

Don't beat yourself up over enjoying your alone time! You have many more days to accomplish that list of things...so for now if you just revel in the fact that alone can be good and welcoming, then so be it! Embrace it and just enjoy it!
Hope you have a great week!

Anonymous said...

Sounds awesome, why would you want to stop? ave

dtv said...

I'll still love you, no matter how slothful you've become! (que hearty laughter) I'm with AVE on this one too. I've been working on some drawings, but it's hard to make myself do it. Luckily I have a neighbor that gets bored and helped me setup my drawing table in the game room yesterday. This was harder then it sounds since we had to move a bed, poker table, and take apart a air hockey table. What I'm saying is, I'll try to get him to move next you you and spurn you into action.

Chocolate on my Cranium said...

I'm with Ave too - sounds heavenly to me.

Mallory said...

I'm with you. I love being alone. When I was living with my family still (meaning, my original family) I loved waking up before everyone else, even when I wasn't in seminary, and going to bed hours after everyone was asleep. I wouldn't do anything special - read a book, or sit out on the deck and sing or something - it was just nice to not have 8 or 9 people around me all the time. I still get up before Mike sometimes just to have a few moments to myself.

Dina said...

I'm having a hard time seeing what is wrong with this. Sounds like a great way to enjoy September. I hope to be wandering around my house doing the same thing next September. I'll read the paper, take a nap. And I'll have a big list of other things I should be doing.

And what's with the mall? I am the same way and I had to MAKE myself go shopping last week. I really used to love to shop. Do I just not care what other people think of me now that I'm 40? I really don't want to look like one of those mothers.

yesweareonmars said...

I know what you mean, I had that to. You'll soon get into the swing of things. I think its having to create a new daily pattern to fit the things in you like. I also found that things I wanted to do really weren't things I wanted to do. I learned other things.

dtv, you moved the hockey table??? Bummer. I liked it.

Mama Ava said...

Well, you should be able to organize your clothes...I mean, it's not like you have so many.

hee hee hee

Gabriela said...

I love being alone too. And I like to be at home, when no one is around it is really hard for me to leave the house (not in an agoraphobia kind of way).

Enjoy it!!!

Maria said...

I'll take the devil's advocate position here just for fun. I agree with the idea that a few days of nada are relaxing, but I understand your impulse to Do Something with your life. Using your time when the kids are at school might take some getting used to, but look at it as a gift that you don't want to squander. It's right to want some accomplishments beyond our kids. If we focus on them too much for our sense of self, that's a lot of pressure on them. (I say this as a pretty focused mom, but never mind). Geez, so heavy.

Calandria said...

Thanks all, for your vote of confidence. Or better said, your acceptance of my sloth, or non-acceptance, in Maria's case. ;-) Maybe I shouldn't be too hard on myself. Today I did spend hours writing and researching my book! It felt really good. Did you know that Viking raiders exacted a tribute from scared coastal dwellers who didn't want their settlements ravaged? It was called Danegeld. I'm going to fit that in somehow.

dtv, I would love to see more of your drawings! I'm psyched that you have a workspace.

Mama Ava, I do have in my closet about ten pair of pants that USED to fit me. I suppose wishful thinking makes me hold on to those. And hey! Today I found a shapeless, faded black sweater I immediately threw on. (Dina, does that make me one of those mothers? :-))

ProMom said...

I love being alone, and I don't get enough of it. Soon as j went to 1st grade, J came home and cyberschooled. The kids have a running joke that while they are gone, I dance around with an underwear hat on. They NEVER ask me what I actually do. Heh, heh, I'm really an international spy!
OK, alone too long. Let's go to lunch! We are the Ladies Who Lunch! Bwah hah hah! I need to get out more....